I feel like garbage. I’m currently on day five of this lingering, unending headache.
I am honestly just so tired.
Of everything. Of myself. Of complaining. Of feeling sick all the time. Of daily headaches.
It’s been two years since I found out I have hypothyroidism. It’s been two years of discovering what it’s like to live as those who are chronically ill live. I don’t look sick. But man, I feel it.
And I’m just so tired of it all. I’m tired of feeling people’s expectations of what they think I should be able to do, how quickly I should be able to do it, and “girl, you don’t look sick so you should be able to act like a normal 21 year old. “
I can’t. And I wish I was like any other 21 year old, with goals that are higher than just finishing another couple minutes at work, counting down the hours till I can go home (after an hour long drive to get there) just to collapse on the couch and try to get the energy to go to bed, not to mention do it all over again tomorrow. Because I can’t do everything everyone else seems capable of. Yes, we’re all tired, but I don’t know if you are feeling the bone crushing weariness I do. I don’t remember what’s it’s like to be able to go shopping on a Saturday and still have the energy to do things in the evening. I don’t remember what it’s like to not have to think twice about going to conferences, or even just going out for coffee and doing things the next day too. I was eighteen years old when I was told that my thyroid had gone crazy and I had to go on medication for life to try and make life ‘normal’ again. But life has never been the same, and I’m tired of feeling guilty that my sickness isn’t as bad as some other people’s illness and I should just get over myself. No, I don’t know what they are going through, but I shouldn’t have to feel that it negates how I’m feeling in my illness.
Maybe I really am just a big baby. Maybe I should get over it and just deal with it all. But at this point, I honestly can’t think very clearly through the brain fog and continual exhaustion. I don’t really know.
Please don’t feel that this is a plea for pity. I guess I’m just asking that you will have a little more grace for people, because you never know who is living with an invisible illness. Maybe they are doing things a little slower than you would because they are trying to conserve what little strength they have.
I’m not very encouraging this post, am I? But I wanted this blog to be a little place where I can share what I am going through, so thank you for reading, and lets all give a little more grace this week. You never know whose life you’ll impact.