Hey everyone! I hope you are all doing well.
As you may have noticed, the name of my blog has changed from Just a Little Prayer to The Anxious Christian. I haven't been writing much in the last year, but I am hoping to get back into it this year and the previous name wasn't fitting in with how I feel about my blog. The Anxious Christian feels more real to who I am, and the journey I am on. I hope you like it, and thanks for stopping by.
Tuesday, 15 January 2019
The wifi can't connect and it seems that I am for a moment lost.
What is it that we did before this age of continual connection?
How is it that I, I who claim to be so free of the addiction of my phone, feel the loss of the connection so acutely?
How is it that I allowed myself to be drawn in by this brightly lit screen?
It seems that all this small inanimate object has promised I have believed so unquestioningly, giving it my time and attention.
Why is it that I never wonder who owns who?
And why is it that we spend so much more of our day mindlessly scrolling rather than seeing what is around us?
I blame my lack of creativity and spirit on my job, my tiredness, my days that are too busy, when I'm beginning to wonder if it is something much smaller than that.
Something perhaps more undetectable, unseen even if we spend most of our time staring at it.
Perhaps it's not those outside stressors that eat away at my motivation, my drive for success, my zest for life.
Perhaps it's this phone, the one that isn't connected.
Sunday, 4 March 2018
I feel like garbage. I’m currently on day five of this lingering, unending headache.
I am honestly just so tired.
Of everything. Of myself. Of complaining. Of feeling sick all the time. Of daily headaches.
It’s been two years since I found out I have hypothyroidism. It’s been two years of discovering what it’s like to live as those who are chronically ill live. I don’t look sick. But man, I feel it.
And I’m just so tired of it all. I’m tired of feeling people’s expectations of what they think I should be able to do, how quickly I should be able to do it, and “girl, you don’t look sick so you should be able to act like a normal 21 year old. “
I can’t. And I wish I was like any other 21 year old, with goals that are higher than just finishing another couple minutes at work, counting down the hours till I can go home (after an hour long drive to get there) just to collapse on the couch and try to get the energy to go to bed, not to mention do it all over again tomorrow. Because I can’t do everything everyone else seems capable of. Yes, we’re all tired, but I don’t know if you are feeling the bone crushing weariness I do. I don’t remember what’s it’s like to be able to go shopping on a Saturday and still have the energy to do things in the evening. I don’t remember what it’s like to not have to think twice about going to conferences, or even just going out for coffee and doing things the next day too. I was eighteen years old when I was told that my thyroid had gone crazy and I had to go on medication for life to try and make life ‘normal’ again. But life has never been the same, and I’m tired of feeling guilty that my sickness isn’t as bad as some other people’s illness and I should just get over myself. No, I don’t know what they are going through, but I shouldn’t have to feel that it negates how I’m feeling in my illness.
Maybe I really am just a big baby. Maybe I should get over it and just deal with it all. But at this point, I honestly can’t think very clearly through the brain fog and continual exhaustion. I don’t really know.
Please don’t feel that this is a plea for pity. I guess I’m just asking that you will have a little more grace for people, because you never know who is living with an invisible illness. Maybe they are doing things a little slower than you would because they are trying to conserve what little strength they have.
I’m not very encouraging this post, am I? But I wanted this blog to be a little place where I can share what I am going through, so thank you for reading, and lets all give a little more grace this week. You never know whose life you’ll impact.
Friday, 29 December 2017
Hello, again! It has been awhile. Life seems to have slipped by so quickly these last months. I've been working on this post for quite awhile, trying to get the wording right so that it conveys correctly all that I feel. Even though it is Winter now, these feeling are still true, and to be honest, I can't wait for Spring again so I can enjoy these times again.
There is nothing quite so refreshing as walking through the rain. Soft sounds of the raindrops splashing on the leaves. Water running down my scalp, my hair curling gently around my face…it’s then that I feel the most alive. My heart lifting above the clouds, soaring far away from the cares of this world. Peace. The quiet stillness in the rain. Just as the ground soaks up the water, so my soul seems to soak up the goodness of the world being refreshed. Fly free my soul!
My inner self seems to flourish in the rain and storms, much like a plant flourishes in the rain. Crystal drops hovering on my eyelashes and being soaked through doesn’t bother me much. Actually, I welcome it. To be so completely free in the midst of nature! I am in awe of how beautiful and marvelous creation is, and how God made it possible for me to enjoy it. It’s when I am out in the pouring rain I am the most grateful for what God has done for me, and continues to do. It’s when I am soaked to the bone and look less than perfect that I can sense God’s presence, and feel the closest to Him. Perfect harmony. The song of my soul lifts to my Saviour. When I feel drained and empty this is where I wish to be. My heart is filled and I can continue on in my days, full of warmth and love.
The weight on my shoulders seems to slip off in these moments. Freedom from all the pain and hurts. Unencumbered. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”(Matthew 11: 28-30) I will give you rest…my burden is light. Oh, how real that is for me when I am out in nature! I love it. I really do. Nature is where I feel the most myself, the most joy, and the closest to God. It’s where I can close my eyes and enjoy what Christ has done for me.
Where do you feel the most free? What is it about that place that causes that feeling?
Sunday, 16 April 2017
He is risen!
Oh, what a happy day in the Christian faith, as we celebrate our Saviour's resurrection!
"Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, 'They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!'
So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
They asked her, 'Woman, why are you crying?'
'They have taken my Lord away,' she said, 'and I don't know where they have put him.'
At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
'Woman,' he said, 'why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?'
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, 'Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.'
Jesus said to her, 'Mary.'
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, 'Rabboni!' (which means Teacher).
Jesus said, 'Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.''
Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: 'I have seen the Lord!' And she told them that he had said these things to her.
Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord!'
But he said to them, 'Unless I see the nail marks on his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.'
A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!'
Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'
Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'
Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.'
John 20: 1-18, 24-31
Friday, 14 April 2017
"As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. They came to a place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall, but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS. Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, 'You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!'
In the same way the chief priests, and the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. 'He saved others,' they said, 'but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.'' In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" -which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
When some of those standing there heard this, they said, 'He's calling Elijah.'
Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, 'Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him.'
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.
When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, 'Surely he was the Son of God!'
Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.
As evening approached, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who had himself become a disciple of Jesus. Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus' body, and Pilate ordered that it be given to him. Joseph took the body, wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, and placed it in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb. "
Matthew 27: 32-61
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
“Bogged down. Stressed. Anxious. Suffocated.
I feel like I’m fighting for each breath.
I feel like I’m fighting for each breath.
Suffocating, taking each day slowly as it drags me down. Just trying to survive, forget about thrive. I survive each day, but do I live it?”
I wrote that on February 2. How dismal, isn’t it? I felt so hopeless, so drained of life. Seeing what I wrote then and seeing how I feel now, I can see how much has changed. Often I feel like I’m never growing, stagnant and drowning. It’s hard to see change when it comes ever so slowly.
I am still struggling to keep my head up, but I know that I’m coming out of the depression I suffered this winter. Spring is coming and I feel the joy and excitement of the changing seasons. Even though I know the depression will come back soon enough, as it always does, I feel hope for better things. I feel like the fog is starting to dissipate and like I am actually aware of the things going on around me. And the biggest thing is that I feel. Looking back, I was having a hard time feeling anything. It was that strange paradox of feeling nothing and absolutely everything all at the same time. Though I still feel like that at times, I know I’m improving.
It’s so good to know that I am doing better. Seeing my progress from even just a couple months ago gives me hope. Having felt so low for so long was a lonely and hopeless place to be. I didn’t think I’d ever get past it, and that I had to accept my depression and anxiety as my new normal. Even though I have suffered from anxiety since I was two (no joke) and it really has been my normal, I am so excited to be making progress, no matter how slow. Depression also has been very prevalent in my life, but there too I am making strides in managing it.
So, dear readers, that has been my life lately. A time of changing seasons, much the same as the seasons changing here in Canada. Winter has given way to Spring, and all is beginning to stir. I am so grateful for my family having supported me during this last bout of mental illness, but ultimately I must give all praise to God for having carried me when I could no longer stand. This season of my life I have had to realize that I can’t do everything on my own. I can’t always push through and make it, I can’t rely on my own strength. Because sometimes (more like always) my strength fails and runs out; sometimes I can’t keep pushing on and make it, but God can. He is so much stronger than I. Maybe you are going through a hard time in your life, and you aren’t sure where to turn. I hope that you will seek the strength of the One who made you, and find comfort in Him.
“I lift my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.”